She told me it was yours

Love; she takes my hand and runs with me, joyous and laughing, we run to your side. Face to face it hurts, she is there; a hand plunged into my chest, she grabs and pulls. Placing my tender heart your dirty hands, you pull at my veins and arteries with your mangled fingers. 
I run away, with her by my side...

The truth.

The dark clouds previously settled in the sky; stirred, groaning as they did.  Loud and disturbed, the clouds rocked and shifted the land with their echoing voices.  Dark and heavy, their presence was vivid and strong.  Powered by the elements; a flicker of light, and again, the mist was silver and glowing with the flashes.  

The clouds grew darker, the intensity beginning to fill the sky; spreading and seeping into the white and grey smears still left if their tracks.  The flashes growing brighter and the growling growing and maturing into a heavy sound followed by a rumble.  Minutes ago there was light in the space around me. Now it was dark, and still.

A pink hue still warmed the sky, the flashes becoming blinding, forcing me to blink as the light distorted my soul.  Like that of an old light bulb, it was random and repetitive, all at once; except this bulb was not dyeing it was growing.  A monster angry in the sky. 

Now there was a continuous moaning, the breath of the beast, cold and sticky on our backs.  The flashes growing more and more aggressive; the anger beautiful.  The beast showed us the pain he was trying to release.  As he began to calm; and so we followed in his example.  Breathe still heavy; waiting. 

Finally, it began, tipping and pouring from every crack; water, the release we had all been begging for. Beautiful and glistening as it fell in the hue of pink mist, glittery in the bright lightening.  The entire storm was dark now, flashing its soul as we tried to catch a glimmer.  Rumbling and breathing; in its prime, he was strong and mighty.

The sounds were no longer still, they ran across the sky, tilting the earth as they went overhead. Vibration heavy and strong as it dug at the core of my being. 

I watched it all through the safety of glass; watching a tiny golden spider clinging to her web - fighting the mighty monster. She clung, legs outstretched clinging to the dainty threads, as the light comes she jumps and shivers, the voices; she listens.

Listens as we all should, to the sounds, the voice of a powerful being, calling out to us in our fairytale land; telling us all the truths that lie ahead.

I am crazy.

I am crazy.  The world to me; it’s different.  My world, the one where I have the power, its messy.  I did that.  I make my world messy.  Self destructive abuse of power, abuse of emotion too.  Like a child; i feel, but do not think, I hurt, you and me both.  Your world, you are safe; constriction of thoughts, stops you cutting your soul to shreds.  I make mine mad; it makes me mad.

There is something wrong with me, a mutation in my brain, my body doesn’t respond adequately.  A mental dysfunction, it affects you, and anybody who smells the connection between one being and another. 

I am helpless; you cannot save me.  Even if you could, you wouldn’t, after all you wouldn’t wan to stain your hands with the blood of my mindless disturbia. My head spins, my body lurches, out of control; drunk and drugged.   

An enchanted sound winds through my veins, the sound of a  broken instrument; breaking my soul, beats pounding further and further into my body like a nail being hammered. 

You may be enticed by the darkness of my soul, the twisted function of my organs; to the untrained eye, this is beauty.  This pain, torture, manipulation by the highest power.  Laughing at you, you wanting this... ill spit at your desire. You cannot control the demon I posses; this demon will eat at your dainty trusting soul. Cruel.

I am an animal, wild, untrained, free; in a sense. The freedom I posses is a malicious kind.  A kind of freedom separates me, a barrier between me and you.  So as I cannot trust you, I cannot love.  Love can be such a simple emotion when handled with care; I have been trained to destroy such foolish, tender, beautiful things.

I can feel the beat, pounding; boom, boom, boom, boom... blood pumping, head throbbing; a vice, my heart, disconnected from my body; it hangs limp from my chest.  Still beating, alive.  The organ; boom, boom, boom, boom... the sounds drives me, drive me on through territory, territory I do not know, alone and lost. I am loosing it; my senses – heightened, and I regain control of the demon. It is as much a part of me and another limb or cell. Poison of the evil prosperity spiralling down through my blood, bleeding evil infection. 

Feel my body as it twists and turns; sweating as I fidget and jolt.  Uncomfortable in my own skin as my body locks down trying to escape.  I shout a yell; pierce the silence, anything to stop the pounding that’s keeping me alive. 

Cold..

The mundane white plastic tub formed a cage within which I was going to endure my torture.  My legs were pumped up to my chest, hands limp at my sides.  I reached for a thumb and forefinger up to the tap; cold, twisted to release.  Fingertips slipped past my thigh as my palm settled back on the base of the tub at my side. 

I first felt the water make contact with the very tips of my toes.  I wanted to flinch away from the icy substance; I couldn’t let myself.  That was not how it was going to work. 

A thin film of poison covered the base of the plastic.  It crept up my body, now in contact with the base of my spine; shoots and shivers up my body.  Still I did not move.  For the first time, in a long time; I could feel.  Something so naturally unpleasant was feeling a blessing to me, a treasure in my bones. 

Re-birth.

The thorns and bristly vines of the forest had torn at my body, my shins and feet.  Naked and vulnerable I was. Searching for freedom.  For once; I was not running to get away.

 I fell on the dirty ground, fuel of the earth burning my cuts.  My spine began to arch, I could feel it, uncontrollable, a danger, a blessing; If I wanted to stop it, I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t.

I crouched, my body curled in on the floor.  A tiny spectacle. I could feel my spine, a burning, tension, something trying to escape from within me...  The burning was almost a nice feeling, comforting and relaxing even, but intense; so intense.  (As it burned away at me).  I clawed at the ground, digging my nails into the damp soil, my arms and palms rough from the debry. 

Looking up, eyes wide, pupils dilated, rims bloody.  Things seemed different; the world was darker, but fresh.  The earth smelt; a heavy solid smell, filling my nostrils.  The bark on the trees of the forest once seeming dead now seemed light, fresh and red.  New things were around me, but I could not understand as my body twisted and turned in what could almost be described as agony. 

I lay with my body to the ground, my back exposed; I could feel throughout the experience; a sense of honesty.  My spine, once the straight, feminine back bone to my figure was twisting, deforming itself.  I felt as it arched and twisted out of place, more curved and unnatural.  Small, dainty vertebras’, beginning to stand outright from my structure, like that of an animal perhaps; they were larger, more pronounced. 

What is happening to me?  Is there something wrong with me?  It even crossed my mind that I may be dyeing, a statement in medical history.  Of Corse I was not dyeing, quite the opposite in fact, a re-birth into a new life would be a better justification. 

My mouth flung wide open as I gasped for breath, a much needed breath indeed.  I could feel blades of knives and daggers around the top of my spine.  The blades were coming from within me, cutting through my flesh, right at the bone, scrapping its surface. Joining and intertwining. 

I waited curling my body up into a tight ball, trying to protect myself, form... myself and what was to come.  Once the blades had gone I felt light, I even relaxed maybe.  My hands fell from their tight grip around the back of my neck, falling to the ground. 

Glaring, I stared at my skin; it seemed to glimmer and glisten, as if alight with a wonderful sense of love. My skin was glowing; I beamed down at it, an overwhelming sense of joy at the beauty of this light, a glitter as if I had been dusted with the fairies blessing.  As if, perhaps I was made of fairy dust itself. 

A light sensation, warmth spread through me.  And an unexplainable desire overwhelmed me, and I rose from that spot on the floor. I stood, and as I did, I felt something brush my shoulder, a light fabric, soft, gentle, electric sensation.  I turned, and as I did, I beheld an addition, an addition to my very body. I new structure of limbs and veins and skin, blood and bones. 

It was a structure built from the spot on my spine, that spot from which the burning and blades had been born, and now I could see why. I craned my neck to see beyond the shadow it was creating.  Light delicate limbs stretched a few inches above my head, and right down to the backs of my thigh; almost separate from my body. Joined in a web-like fashion, a thin film of a rich blood-red colour filled them out.

Wings; I stared in awe at my wondrous, beautiful new body. I arched my back, bending to fit my spine into its usual position, and as I did the tips brushed down the backs of my legs, a vibration of serenity.  I stretched, not my arms or legs, but my wings, a new kind of stretch. I lifted them high above me, and felt a new found sense of freedom, as I realised, it was only like controlling any other part of my body, just as simple.  . 

I ran through the forest, the branches of the trees, thistles, thorns, vines, all seemed insignificant, they no longer grabbed at my legs, just let me slide right through, as I sprinted. I ran feeling my legs grow hot with speed; knowing where I needed to be. 

I reached the clearing and ran harder and faster, spreading out my body as I began to glide; my legs still working away long after they were no longer needed, I had not even realised. It was just so natural to me.

I cry for you.

I cried; tears of a lost love.  I cried until I could cry no more.  Streaming down my face; dripping.  Hands damp, nose heavy, body weak.  Weak from shaking, trembling at the memories; memories of me and you, of us. 

Questions – unanswered. (Do you miss me?) I just wish I knew, understood perhaps; I want nothing more from you. 

Teardrops glistening in the low light of the dark night.  Silvery sadness falling from my gentle and tired eyes.  Hidden away, darkness – I feel helpless, vulnerable to infection of the mightiest kind.  I want to hide, wrap myself away in protection of colours; until I am ready, ready to face the music of our world. 

You were my home. Safety; I found with you.  Your arms around my delicate body, I felt strong, (with you by my side).  Now, I don’t know where to go – what to do, how to survive. 

Tears and pain strangle at my body.  Tying me down.  I want to break free; I want to break away from your hold on me, cruel, endless spasms in my soul.  Why do you do this?  My hand shakes, my body quivers, I am weak for your memory. 

How we used to be.  How you used to see me.

So happy, so many memories, so much joy, so much love.  What went wrong?  The things you used to say, the things you used to mean.  Me; a fool.  Your words to me were so precious, so beautiful – a voice through the storm.  You saved me. 

My trust in you; so great.  So almighty.  Shattered like that of a bone.  A single moment.  Suddenly I am isolated.  Washing the pain from my skin; it clings, like that of a disease, rooting its way into my soul.  How dare you. 

You burnt me from the inside out, a curse, a bleach, a love.  Yet; I run at the sound of your voice, the click of your fingers.  To you, I run, desperate for your affections, your want of me, that desire, the way you satisfy that craving I posses. 

Whenever I feel clean of you, having washed you off of me, washed away all I cannot possibly accept that I want.  I see you, you touch me. Electricity. That buzz of connection between two souls; two souls that yearn to be together. I fight it.

You do not understand the extent of the hurt I feel from you each and every time.  It’s not okay.  Not now.  You can’t hurt me, I won’t let you.  You don’t deserve to hurt me. Now.

Tears.

I can't believe how long it takes to cry.
A heavy weight. A rock.
A cage around my body;
Nowhere to escape.

lost inside

This space, open and wide, vast. Empty, and beckoning; beckoning, words, ideas, sounds, tender touches. I want to deliver, give into this space. Make it mine. Sitting on the floor, legs outstretched before me, palms flat to the floor as i lean over them, head drooping. Where do i go from here?

I look around me for inspiration; all there is is space, open, blank white space. My thought and ideas bounce around and eventually back to me. Tracing lines and words on the floor, i begin to write, words flowing in the open space. i was begging to find myself. No longer lost inside my own head.

(unfinished..)

Choices.

I feel a repression.  A self contained anger.  A lurching within my soul.  A pained way of being. 

I spoke out, “Tell me to stop. Tell me it's wrong; ask me not to do this...” My voice faded away and he did not respond.  He had never been one for words, even when the silence itself was asking to be filled he still would not utter a sound.   "Please?" I begged, a whimper, my soul lunging from my body and into the space between us; I was trying to make the word worth something, anything to make him understand. 

He still did not, but then again, who am I to say?  Maybe he did, if he had, he was doing well to hide it.  I needed somebody or something, to stop what I could feel in my boiling blood was about to happen.  I know it's wrong and I know I shouldn't.  But, I need to feel.  Pain is good enough.  
Screaming: "Take it away!!" The words lunged from me, "Take it all away!!" Desperation was announcing itself; my lungs about to burst, loosing grip, giving up.  "Take it ALL away from me."  Shouting, talking, words themselves, they weren’t helping, just bouncing around our space.   Rising from me, my throat raw and empty. "...Please," a coarse whisper, this final word escaped my body on a breath.  I had been thrashing - waving the blade up to his face pleading that he run with it.  A glacier of cool glass plunged through my skin as it became clear to me finally, he would not do that. 

 I must run away and hide; hide somewhere where he can no longer find me, no longer see the weakness, seeping from the cracks in my soul.  I am forgetting of course - he is everywhere; always.  

Resisting the urge to run, a pointless effort.   If he watches me, sees my pain, surely he will feel it too as his own.  He should hold me back.  Stop the wretched disease spreading, cancer in my soul, forcing me to draw blood from flesh.  My flesh.  
I sat, my back pressed against the wall; cold stone.  I pulled my knees up to my chest and my arms tight around them.  Staring; dark, cold, hollow eyes, glaring down at my naked scars.  So ashamed.  They stared back.  Memories: pain, loss, anger, emptiness, sorrow.  I did that.  

The blade pressed to my skin, not yet drawing blood, a small dent.  My body weak, empty but for once, I could feel.  A lack of lacking. I am here.  Again.  Finally.  

I loosened my grip, my skin settled, subtly inflamed; I watched the blade slip from my palm.  The sound echoed through me as it hit the ground, loud and clear, shocked me from my trance.  I felt him.  Hand on my shoulder, pulling me into the heat of his body.  My limbs relaxed into his strength; loving warmth between his wings.  

Light, soft feathers rippled across my skin as he lifted me to my safety.  Lying through my body he melted into me, his wings, my wings, wrapped around my body, holding me together, the cracks all fading and bound back together in his presence and light.  

As I drifted into a peaceful sleep I felt his soft words creep around my neck, and for once he spoke, telling me he cannot stop me, for I hold the fruit of the snake.